Come Clarity

Most of my life has been shrouded in the feeling that no matter how hard i work, how much progress i make, i'm still failing to find what i want; unable to get to where i need to be. But a few recent developments and the past couple of weekends have made me realize that i'm getting there - i'm just a number of years behind schedule.

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My experience at Michigan State University was awesome in that it was an escape from the prison that was my parents' house. I was finally able to breathe; to take a look at myself and the world around me. But i did not make the most out of my undergrad years, partly because i didn't know what to go after, but also because i just wasn't ready.

After i graduated and moved to Champaign-Urbana, i (eventually) started doing some of the things that i should have done when i was in college. I became active with a student group. I discovered my passion for dance, and continued to explore music. I slowly made a lot of great friends (mostly students). I connected with the University of Illinois' campus and grew to feel at home there. Don't get me wrong, i'll always bleed green and white; MSU is *mine* and i absolutely loved living in East Lansing. But C-U was just different somehow. I think i took better advantage of living in a college town (and appreciated it more) the second time around.

This timeframe was also when i finally experienced my first serious relationship. Falling in love was the best thing that ever happened to me; it was everything i'd wanted and so much more. With other things going so well, being with her made my whole life shine! Unfortunately, things ended rather badly. The breakup hurt me more deeply than anything else ever has, leaving me with a set of wounds which still haven't really healed (maybe they never will).

But i digress.

So living in C-U was almost like a second chance at undergrad. Obviously it wasn't a "do-over" by any means, but i did catch up on a few things that i'd missed before. I was able to focus on myself as a person and start making improvements. I started up an effort to eat better and exercise more. I cut down on wasted time and instead sought out "useful stuff" to do. And above all else, i'm so pleased to have connected with *people* - made so many awesome friends - and become more confident, outgoing, and just *better* with social situations. A world of difference compared to the Neilam from his own undergrad years.

Sideber: I have to thank the UIUC Swing Society because my involvement with the organization is what led to a lot of the above. Even now, i'm amazed at the way i went from being a fledgling dancer to a regular in the scene, and then to TAing lessons and teaching (!) classes. Social dancing brought out a whole new side of me and became a huge source of positive energy. And it's a good feeling to have a place where you truly belong.

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Once my time in Champaign-Urbana came to an end, i moved out here to Cali and started on some of the things i should have done when i first got out of college. Make some new friends, try out new activities, fill nights and weekends with fun stuff. The transition, while difficult, ended up being a great step for me. It was almost as though i really was a freshout - new job, new town, a whole new set of opportunities.

I've been meeting a lot of great people out here (huge thanks to Facebook for facilitating the connections). I've continued working on myself, slowly fixing things that i don't like. I quit watching tv entirely (except for streaming episodes of Lost and Heroes online) and reallocated a lot of that time to activities that i find to be more meaningful. Metal concerts. Rock climbing. Hiking (there are mountains everywhere!). Reading more. Refocusing my healthy lifestyle goals. Checking into the local lindy scene (actually i've been delinquent for the past few months, but i'll make it back at some point). And i started up an exciting personal project which i think is going well so far.

The developments on the social front have been immensely encouraging. I can hardly believe how quickly things have snowballed. It really is about a starting point; once you catch a break - if you have the right attitude - recursion takes over.

I am improving. It took me several years to settle into C-U; to start building a life for myself and make the place my home. This time around it was more like 7-8 months (different scale, i suppose, but similar developments). Maybe when i move to Seattle in 2011 (abstract plan), the transition will be even faster still.

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So maybe i've just had a late start on life. And maybe that's ok. Right now (most) things are going great. I mean, i am missing the one thing that i want more than anything else, and i've run out of ideas on how to find it. Sometimes this missing piece seems to overshadow the rest of the puzzle. But the rest does seem to be coming together (albeit slowly, but late > never, right?). And who knows; maybe one day i'll catch a break.