Some Musings [Part 3: "Confessions of a late-20s drama queen"]

(Is anyone still reading? Bueller?)

Part 3: "Confessions of a late-20s drama queen"

I realized a month or two ago that i'm able to laugh again. I mean technically, i never stopped laughing; i've always been a smartass, cracking jokes, etc. But i'm talking about the deep, soulful, "best medicine" kind of laugher; the kind that makes you feel *alive*. I think the zany, fun-loving side of me is finally returning in full-force.

So i was driving home from work one day (about a week before the lindy exchange, i think), cruising down the freeway, music cranked up, when i realized that i was in a really good mood. And that i'd consistently been in a good mood for at least a couple of weeks. And that i was not really weight down by certain memories which had been haunting my steps. No more emo mix of resentment and anxiety holding me back. I mean i'm certainly not *pleased* with what happened, and i'm still very disappointed with her behavior and the way she treated me. I'm not yet convinced that it's "better this way". And i can still fall down an emotional rabbit hole if i'm careless.

But i realize now that i've slowly been piecing my life back together. I didn't really notice at first - the shards held together by glue and slowly-growing scar tissue - but i can see it now that it's really taking shape. I'm once again motivated to get back to my Minor Plan (tm); refocus my personal goals; work towards becoming the guy i want to be.

I suppose things turned a corner earlier this year when she slammed the door in my face. Added to the mountain of inconsistencies, mixed signals, and unfairness, this became the last straw, as it were. Or maybe a spark. Yeah, i like that analogy better - it was the spark which finally lit up the whole mess, and *finally* enraged me enough to burn away the fog in my pretty little idealistic head. When the fires cooled down, i was finally able to see things clearly.

Anyway. I'm sure many of you are saying "About fucking time, man." I agree. It sucks that it took me so long to get to this point, but i'm very glad to be here now.