Tessa links

I miss my friend.


At a swing dance on Tessa's birthday, spring 2005.

If you haven't read my previous blog post already, i hope you will.

...

So for the past month (has it only been one month? has it *already* been a whole month?), i've been saving a bunch of open tabs (on multiple web browsers and multiple computers) with various blog posts and articles i found about Tessa. I knew i wanted to do something with all of the pieces; maybe one day i'll print them out and make a memory book, along with some of my emails and photos. For now i'm just going to compile them here.

This is primarily for myself; perhaps it's a step in dealing with the loss of my friend, and/or a gesture of moving on. And/or just building a reference so i'll have these links handy. Feel free to skip this post if you don't care. (But - i hope you do care.)


"Goodbye and God Bless (for Tessa)"
A wonderful piece written by one of her professors at UIUC (this is the post that many of us have been sending around). Absolutely worth reading.
http://www.open.salon.com/blog/libertarius/2009/08/16/goodbye_and_god_bless

"Taken"
A short piece by another professor at UIUC.
http://dhawhee.blogs.com/d_hawhee/2009/08/taken.html

"RIP Tessa Oberg"
Jen's blog post; another nice piece which i think is worth reading (make sure to also read Rasheed's response at the bottom).
http://jennyloohoo.livejournal.com/66058.html

Fin in a Waste of Waters" (Tessa's blog)
She posted to this blog from July 2006 through October 2007. I'm starting at the beginning and (re)reading through it. Her last post was a beautiful piece which detailed her life as it would have been remembered by her grandchildren after she died. I once attempted this exercise of writing my own eulogy, but i never finished (and it sucked anyway). Hers is awesome.
http://fininawasteofwaters.blogspot.com/


Tessa's obituary in the Rockford Register Star
http://www.legacy.com/RRStar/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=131474559

Guest Book for Tessa (only online for a few more days (until 9/16/2009)).
http://www.legacy.com/gb2/default.aspx?bookid=9071102403711

Partial academic bio, posted in relation to one of her scholarships.
http://www.jkcf.org/our-scholars/current/2224-Tessa-M-Oberg

A post i found with a photo and a link to the professor's piece i linked above.
http://citiesandsigns.blogspot.com/2009/08/eulogy-for-tessa-oberg-by-one-of-our.html


Those are all of the links i had saved; i'll edit this post if i find more.

Tessa Oberg - In loving memory of my friend

A dear friend of mine died this past weekend after a long battle with cancer. I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now; the pain of losing a friend, anger at such a bright, shining life cut so short, but also amazement at what a *life* she lived.

How can i even begin to describe her? Tessa was incredible beyond words. She was deeply caring, sincere, driven and accomplished, a wonderful friend and powerful inspiration to me.

Tessa will always be an inspiration to me. Just watching her take on life full force, every day, never accepting anything as "good enough", and doing it all with passion and grace and love. It shows what's possible when you put all of yourself into everything you do.

I'd like to share a few of my favorite memories and stories, because that's the best way i can think of to celebrate her life and our friendship.

...

The first time i met Tessa was (of course) at a Thursday night swing dance in Champaign-Urbana back in 2004. It was a snowball/mixer song and i ended up dancing with her for the last two breaks (yes, we cheated). As the next song came on i started to go into wallflower mode, but she grabbed me again and said "C'mon. I don't sit out dances."

Indeed, i was to find out that she never sat out anything, least of all dances. She was never shy when it came to the dance floor. If she wanted to dance with you, she'd come and get you. Sometimes she'd catch me right as i was about to leave, and get me to stay for one more song. One time i'd already changed out of my dance shoes, but she made me put them back on and dance with her.

I also remember, early on, she used to good-naturedly demand "Hey, where's my dip?" at the end of songs.

...

I saw her around the swing scene during that school year, but summer of 2005 was when we really became friends. She was taking the summer session of the lindy class i was TA'ing, so i saw her in class and at the weekly dances.

One evening after class, she said to me "I'm hungry; want to go to Burger King?" (This was back when there was one on Green Street). I actually did *not* want to go to Burger King, but i went along anyway, and i'm glad i did.

As i nibbled at a piece of apple pie and watched her tear through a burger, the conversation went from casual to meaningful, and the food run extended into a wonderful evening of hanging out, reading poetry, trading ideas, discussing one issue after another.

From my journal:
"And all the while we continued talking, really *talking*. Everything from casual topics (movies, dancing) to serious areas of a personal nature. Our respective passions for literature and music. Family. Friends. Childhood experiences, college roommates, work issues, our respective struggles on the social front. Through it all i realized that she was slowly opening up to me, sharing deep personal feelings and experiences, and listening (really *listening*) as i went into some of my own thoughts. It was the last thing i'd been expecting - having this turn into "the" talk; that first deep and meaningful conversation you have with someone, the one that diverges completely from previous interactions and marks the transition from casual acquaintance to a real friendship."

She'd mentioned before that she'd had cancer and had made a full recovery (in half of the expected time, by the way), but this night she explained about the surgery and recovery, and the resulting impact on her life and work. She even showed me part of her (award-winning) short story which was fueled by the experience. It really hit me - finding out not just about everything she'd gone through, but the way she *powered* her way through with her unique strength and determination and got back to where she wanted to be.

She also showed me her portfolio which detailed her art sculpture project. She started by explaining that after conquering the English department at UIUC, she'd decided to conquer the art department next. (She said this matter-of-factly, with no ego in sight).

Her sculpture was a huge arch, very carefully designed and built with levels of meaning which escape my memory now. She displayed it on the quad for a day - spanning the sidewalks which crisscross the green. The display also included accepting quotes from passers by on slips of paper. At the end of the day she went up to the Foellinger patio and shouted each of the quotes across the quad.

I'm not doing justice to her project; if anyone can describe it better, please feel free. (Also, if anyone has a copy of the article in the News Gazette covering her project, please let me know; i couldn't find it online). I was pretty much floored by the idea and implementation. This in concert with all i'd learned about her in those hours added a level of amazement to my respect and admiration.

...

So the friendship grew over the summer with dance nights, a few dinners, a few movies (including "The Hours" and "Sylvia"; she filled me in with fascinating background information and some of her own insights).

One day she really surprised me. I was telling some story or another, and mentioned my mom. She asked "Why don't you ever talk about your dad?"

That simple question (along with the tone of her voice, the knowing look in her eyes) made me realize something: Tessa *listens* and *understands*. She picks up on subtle clues and figures things out. She already *knew* why i don't speak of my father, even though i'd never mentioned anything about it. And she cared enough to ask. Tessa is one of the few friends i have who can not only read me like a book, but respond with empathy and understanding.

...

I won't even try to do justice to her stunning academic accomplishments; instead i ask that you take a few minutes to read this piece by one of her professors. It's long, but absolutely worth reading (even/especially if you've never met her or didn't know her well):

http://www.open.salon.com/blog/libertarius/2009/08/16/goodbye_and_god_bless/

...

The last time i saw Tessa in person was, appropriately, on the dance floor. She was back from England, having completed her Masters program as a Fulbright Scholar (along with many incredible adventures around Europe; she sent out mass emails along the way with awesome stories & photos). She made a trip down to Champaign-Urbana shortly before moving out to California to start her PhD program at U-C Irvine. This was actually right before i moved out to Cali myself to start a new job in the bay area.

We danced, we wished each other luck, we promised to keep in touch.

And keep in touch we did; exchanging emails, trading stories, making plans to go dancing "when i make it down to LA" or "when i visit San Francisco", respectively. Then suddenly she want off radar for a long time; at first i assumed she was just overbusy with school, but then i started to worry. Finally i received an email from her via her mom letting me know that the cancer had returned and that Tessa had moved back home for treatment.

The treatment and recovery were very difficult, of course, and it was quite a while before she was able to get online herself. But we eventually did get back to exchanging the occasional email, which was very nice. Her messages were always positive and focused, laced with her lovely wit and sense of humor. She'd ask me to tell her about what i'd been up to, and she'd describe her workout routine, her goals, the progress she was making. I told her that it was good to see that the Tessa Determination was still as strong as i remembered; she thanked me for reminding her.

The thought didn't really cross my mind that she wouldn't just recover again, setbacks or otherwise. Or maybe it did and i just couldn't accept the possibility, because in my heart...Tessa is one of the strongest people i've ever met; nothing could stop her.

...

My life is better for having known Tessa. I miss her very much, but i continue to find inspiration from her example, and encouragement from memories and things she said to me. For example, i'd mentioned my fledgeling music project, and shared my first cover recording with her. The last message she sent me was this heartwarming response:


"Dear Neilam,
Big smile on my face . . . I like it
guitar rocked, your singing rocked and it was so good to hear your
voice, keep on rockin' in California
send more music--have you ever thought about doing an open mic?
lots of love,
Tessa

ps
if you come to visit please bring your guitar!"


I have more songs for you now, Tessa. I miss you, but i know you're in a better place now, and i hope you'll check on me from time to time.

In Loving Memory
Tessa Oberg
1983 - 2009

A tribute to Michael Jackson

There's nothing i can say about Michael Jackson's amazing music and dance and immense impact on pop culture that hasn't already been said. But i would like to speak a little about his influence on my own dancing, and then share a silly video clip.

Like many others, i've spent plenty of time trying to learn some of his moves and choreography (most notably, "Beat It" and (of course) "Thriller"). I also spent years teaching myself how to moonwalk, and i daresay i can hold my own.

In the swing scene back in Champaign-Urbana (where i first learned to dance and came into my own), we were always encouraged to put ourselves into our dance; to make it our own. Intermediate (and even beginning) lindy always included a strong emphasis on musicality; working with different types of music, figuring out what works (upbeat & energetic, slow & swanky, etc). But it didn't stop there. One of my instructors played "Bad" in class one day and made us figure out how to lindy to it - that really opened up my mind to the possibilities. He and several others would also include some non-swing stuff in their DJ sets. Completely shattered the idea that swing dancing requires swing *music*. Chumbawamba, Moby, KMFDM, Green Day - it all works, if you free your mind.

Of course, Michael Jackson tunes would periodically come through at the Thursday dances (usually later at night, when people were feeling saucy). Many of us would dance lindies ranging from comically fun to smooth criminal awesome. Or sometimes we'd hang out and trade moonwalk tips or show off bits of choreo.

Like many fledgeling dancers, i used to spend time watching others on the dance floor and borrow moves & ideas - in addition to exploring what came to me naturally. I slowly built up a variety of styles (to go with different styles of music), but found my favorite to be a smooth, slippery style; lots of sweeps and spins, sliding around the floor. Lots of MJ-esque breaks. It was like "Wow, i can actually *use* all of this stuff i've been screwing around with!" I remember once, after my turn in a friend's blusey birthday dance, another friend said to me "Dude, your swingouts are so cool; you look like you're on ice." Yeah, i was practically glowing from the compliment.

And of course i'm sure you back home remember my song of choice for my own birthday and farewell dances ("It's close to miiiid-night...").

...

Anyway, i recorded this video back in February of 2005. I was just messing around at home in Champaign (i loved my wood floors) and suddenly wondered what my moonwalk actually looked like. Busted out my digital camera & spent the night recording bunches of short clips of myself being a dork. This was the best one from the lot; nothing overly impressive, but just an example of MJ-inspired fun.

I would now like to share it as a tribute to Michael Jackson.

(sorry for the lack of editing, by the way; the action runs from ~0:12-0:30)



(Facebookers, please click here for the video)

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Rest in peace. Your songs will always be remembered, and your dance moves will always be emulated (especially by dorks like me).

What happened to me Saturday night

I spent yesterday afternoon on a fruitless search for buttondown shirts (i'm skinny & picky; buying shirts is incredibly difficult). After being foiled by store after store, i was annoyed and tired and wanted beer. So i summoned an old friend to meet me for dinner. I was actually impressed by how quickly we went from "Hey, have you guys eaten yet?" to "Ok, meet at the Cheesecake Factory in 20 minutes." During undergrad we used to sit around for *hours* trying to decide where to eat, and while we're better at making plans now, those old tendencies are still there. But it would seem that indecision is easily countered by hunger & annoyance. I'll take it.

So we've been talking about starting up a weekly viewing night. Maybe work through the original Star Trek (i actually haven't seen most of the episodes yet) or get to a few anime series which have been on my list forever. We finally decided to start with Buffy The Vampire Slayer (one of my personal favorite shows of all time, ever). I insisted that we must start with the original Buffy movie (with Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, and Donald Sutherland - released in 1992 but falls squarely in the genre of campy-80s-goodness). Then i insisted that we go home and watch it after dinner (i'd bought the dvd years ago, but still had it in the shrinkwrap).

So we did, picking up some beers on the way. I can't believe i didn't like this movie the first time i saw it! Maybe i just didn't have an appreciation for campy film back then. Or maybe (more likely) it's because i didn't have beer.

After Buffy we moved on to The Lost Boys (another 80s vampire favorite). So awesome. I always enjoyed that movie on its own merits, but now it's downright hilarious to see Jack Bauer as a teenage hellion (complete with motorcycle and bleach-blonde mullet) and Grandpa Gilmore (Lorelai's dad from Gilmore Girls).

The hour late and my stash of 80s vampire movies exhausted, we called it a night and i dropped my friend off at his place. On my way back home, i was stopped at a traffic light and noticed a big red balloon floating above the lawn just a little way up the road (next to the sign of an apartment complex, i think). I was intrigued by the way it slowly rose and fell along a perfect vertical axis without flying away. Maybe it's because it was 2am, or maybe i'm just easily distracted ("Ooh, shiny object!"), but i thought that red balloon was the coolest thing i'd ever seen. It wasn't even tied to anything (that i could see); it just floated on.

So i think watching the Lost Boys just triggers the teenage mischief in me. I mean the last time i watched that movie i ended up stealing a parking cone (granted we were drunk at the time, but i still blame the movie).

I decided to gank the big red balloon.

The light changed, i drove up & pulled over next to the balloon, popped my trunk, made sure the road was clear, then ran out and snagged it out of the air. It was much, much larger than i'd thought it was and i realized that it wouldn't fit in the trunk. So i decided to shove it through my door into the passenger seat instead. Well, it turned out to be way to big for that too and quickly got stuck in the door. I continued pushing and the balloon resisted the best it could before finally exploding...in a SHOWER of CONFETTI, covering me and the inside of my car with little pieces of colored tissue paper.

Behold (the big red red splotch is the shell of the now-dead balloon):









Oh, i wish i could have seen the look on my face - the milliseconds in the transition from "Get in, you stupid red balloon" to "Aw damn, it popped" to "SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! MY CAR!"

So that was Saturday. I think we all know what i'll be doing with my Sunday :-)

On the comeback trail

My biggest issue when it comes to my workout goals (and many other goals, for that matter) is a lapse in drive when it comes to the moment. I'll plan on hitting the gym after work on a given day, but by the time i'm ready to head out (usually 6-7pm), i'll find that i'm tired, hungry, and/or annoyed and just want to go home. Some days i force myself to hit the gym anyway. Other days (more often than i'd like), i take the easy way out and blow off the workout.

B-storyline (this is related, i promise): Because i am inept, i failed to supress a particular high-school-esque tendency yesterday. I was about ready to head out, and i saw that she was wrapping up her stuff too, so i tried to time it just right so we'd end up walking together. Yes i know, LAME. So lame, in fact, that i came to my senses and decided to sabotage my own effort and kill time by talking to one of my coworkers about some bug he was fixing (i really didn't care, and he probably noticed that i kept glancing down the row as he explained the bugfix). But then i changed my mind again and tried to revert to the original plan, but i got stuck in the conversation and she slipped out. DAMM!

With a sigh i headed out to where i usually park, but the fact that my car wasn't there reminded me that i'd parked in the deck instead. Double sigh. Finally got to my car, tossed my backpack into the trunk, and then tried to stare down my gym bag. I was really torn; i'd planned things right physically - had a nice lunch heavy on protein and carbs (mongolian bbq - mmm), drank plenty of water through the afternoon, chewed down a power bar about an hour before i was ready to go. But i really felt like just going home and working on my songs instead. Fortunately my gym bag won our battle of wills; i slung it over my shoulder and headed towards the gym.

My reward for making the right call was two-fold:

1) As i approached the door to the building, guess who walked through in the other direction? Yep, it was her! We just exchanged a quick friendly greeting, but the serendipity really lifted my spirits. The sequence of me (a) extracting myself from the pointless conversation, (b) unintentionally taking the scenic route to my car, (c) arguing with my gym bag, and finally (d) heading back in lined up *exactly* with the timing of her walking through that door. It's the little things in life, y'know?

2) My workout was awesome.

Over the past month or two i've slowly been working my way back from a rather lengthy setback (close to a year - uggh). It was incredibly frustrating at first - having my arms give out after only half the number of pushups i used to be able to do, finding myself winded and locking up after only 1 mile on the treadmill, etc.

Yesterday i hit my former max distance of 2.5 miles (running between a 9 and 9.5-minute mile). It's nothing compared to you runners out there, but it was great progress compared to where i'd started.

Lifting didn't go quite as well, but i'm at least back to my former weight levels on the few machines i use (and yes, i do intend to switch to free weights sometime soon). And i'm making slow/steady progress on my semi-nightly pushups (not back to last spring's levels yet, but getting there).

Last year i started tracking my progress on my fridge calendar - red ink for cardio or strenuous activity, blue for light/moderate, and blue again for strength (i need to pick up a different color pen to distinguish). I think i'm ready to reinstate my former goal: I want to see red ink on my calendar 3x/week, and blue 4x/week (with stretch goals of 4x and 5x, respectively). It'll help a lot if i can get my old friend/racquetball partner back into our weekly games. Then i'd need only one other regular activity to fill things out.

I'm very much in the "variety of activities" camp because i do not have the patience for a gym-based routine. Every time i've attempted "Ok, gym 3x/week starting TODAY!@#$ HOUGHA!", i stalled out very quickly. Hence the flexibility of red and blue ink - *any* kind of cardio or strenuous activity counts (running, DDR, a long hike with a thousand feet of elevation change, etc). I can keep it going if i have enough things to switch between. Also, i enjoy seeing the synergy between activities. And really, my underlying goal is simply to live a healthier lifestyle. If i were training for a marathon or something specific, i'd probably want a more focused and disciplined routine. But for now, as long as i get to the point where i do *something* useful every day, and *something* strenuous on alternating days, i'll be happy.

Hmm, now i have Rocky training montages running through my head. Here, have a video:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8xHjC27YvM

Have two videos:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPbLzu83Ato

:-)

Some Musings [Part 3: "Confessions of a late-20s drama queen"]

(Is anyone still reading? Bueller?)

Part 3: "Confessions of a late-20s drama queen"

I realized a month or two ago that i'm able to laugh again. I mean technically, i never stopped laughing; i've always been a smartass, cracking jokes, etc. But i'm talking about the deep, soulful, "best medicine" kind of laugher; the kind that makes you feel *alive*. I think the zany, fun-loving side of me is finally returning in full-force.

So i was driving home from work one day (about a week before the lindy exchange, i think), cruising down the freeway, music cranked up, when i realized that i was in a really good mood. And that i'd consistently been in a good mood for at least a couple of weeks. And that i was not really weight down by certain memories which had been haunting my steps. No more emo mix of resentment and anxiety holding me back. I mean i'm certainly not *pleased* with what happened, and i'm still very disappointed with her behavior and the way she treated me. I'm not yet convinced that it's "better this way". And i can still fall down an emotional rabbit hole if i'm careless.

But i realize now that i've slowly been piecing my life back together. I didn't really notice at first - the shards held together by glue and slowly-growing scar tissue - but i can see it now that it's really taking shape. I'm once again motivated to get back to my Minor Plan (tm); refocus my personal goals; work towards becoming the guy i want to be.

I suppose things turned a corner earlier this year when she slammed the door in my face. Added to the mountain of inconsistencies, mixed signals, and unfairness, this became the last straw, as it were. Or maybe a spark. Yeah, i like that analogy better - it was the spark which finally lit up the whole mess, and *finally* enraged me enough to burn away the fog in my pretty little idealistic head. When the fires cooled down, i was finally able to see things clearly.

Anyway. I'm sure many of you are saying "About fucking time, man." I agree. It sucks that it took me so long to get to this point, but i'm very glad to be here now.

Some Musings [Part 2: "Sing...sing a song"]

First a postscript to Part 1:

There is now song C in the running. I wasn't considering it before because it's by the same band as song B, and song B is my *favorite* song by that band (which gives it priority). But after spending several hours working on song C yesterday, i'm finding it to be rather compelling. It's been growing on me over the past few weeks anyway, and i'm *really* enjoying learning to play it. Especially the vocals; i've heard the song a million times before, but the lyrics never really hit me until just recently. I feel like i can sing the song and actually *mean it*. I guess we'll see how things play out.


Part 2: "Sing...sing a song"

So i'm hooked on American Idol again. It was so unintentional; i only watched the third season (which Fantasia won - uggh), and pretty much lost interest after that. But a few weeks ago i turned on the tv, waiting for Fringe to come on (such an awesome show). I was a few minutes early, so i caught the 2-minute recap of American Idol. Yawn, right? Wrong. Some of the singers in those 2 minutes were awesome enough to catch my attention. One guy was even playing piano, which completely shattered my cynical view of "Karaoke Idol". So i watched the following week's episode (disco week) and was pretty amazed by several of the numbers, and especially by Kris (the piano guy) and his low-key performance with an acoustic guitar and a few guys rounding out a nice little 4-piece.

The following week was Rat Pack themed; not my favorite, but i'd become a fan of a few of the singers by then, so it was fun to see them on stage again.

Then...Rock Week. And who was the special guest mentor? Slash. Fucking Slash. Oh hell yeah.

So i'm now officially an Adam Lambert fanboy. Such an incredible set of pipes. Awesome range & control in the high registers. And his stage presence, omg. He covered a Led Zeppelin song this week and fucking *nailed* it. As in "Hey, i didn't know Robert Plant was going to be here. Oh wait, it's *Adam*!" He'd better win this season. But even if he doesn't, record labels are going to be falling all over themselves trying to sign him, so i look forward to his debut album. I just hope he rocks it, and doesn't let the label package him up.

Segue. Am i the only dork who is excited about this new show "Glee"?


Direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ea2pMx1lYw

Maybe it's just becasue their awesome Journey cover snagged my attention (love that song). Or maybe it's just my interest in any show involving singing and/or dancing. [Sidebar: Does anyone know where i can score full episodes of Cop Rock? I'm serious. There *has* to be someone out there who taped all of the episodes (a la Lorelai Gilmore) back when it was on.] Anyway, i guess they're airing the pilot as a preview later this month, and then the show will start this fall.

Hmm, sudden urge to watch Dr. Horrible again. Come back for Part 3 - same bat time, same bat channel.